Denise is 18

Sorry about the delay in news from Heiloo, amazing watching world. Blame it on the DEFCON trojan and the inability of all the Kapersky's and all the King's men to deal with it. I shall in the coming hours shovel out guff to get us up to date and then to relax and.. shit ... then it's time to get back to work. Yes! My contract has been extended and I shall again be available as a target for all the young ladies in The Nova College to try out their latest venom. This time a lot of new students, who will have been soundly primed by those of yesteryear on how to take the piss out of the ageing English git in the Media Centre. I have had about 6 weeks to prepare for the onslaughts. During which time I have not been paid. A sad reflection on society today, that irreplaceable treasures such as I can be hired until the start of the school holiday, fired and then re-hired when the holiday is over. Better than the first offer. Would I be interested in staying at home, dressed for Media Centre action, staring at the telephone in case I was wanted for an hour if someone was sick? I would of course be paid only for the hour that I would have worked that day, week, month or year. Surprisingly, I was not interested. The career prospects seemed a little obscure. But I have my job back. Anyhoo, to quote Young Stef, now hopefully strutting the law-courts in wig and gown, the news.

Er, not sure. Have you got something, well, sort of with 'charisma'?

Denise was 18, and as is customary in Dutch households, she received a set of driving lessons. From the company called 'Ladies First'. Everybody needs a gimmick, and for these people it means having your first lesson in a Porsche Carrera 911, a horseless carriage with a top speed of around 186 mph, or as we say in their country, 301 kph. Just the thing for a first lesson. Gives you a nice photo-moment.

Um, Have you got a Fiat Panda or something?

Colleague Richard Smith thought he might buy one and went for a test drive. In fourh gear he put his foot down and got wheelspin and smoking rear tires. I shall decline and buy a Mini-Cooper, thought Richard, and prolonged his life by several decades.

Right then, this round thing makes it go left or right I suppose?........

This week I went with Maarten to a golf-course in Waterland. At the end of a not particularly good round, I went to practise on the 9 hole mini-course. There are lots of hares and rabbits running around and they are not afraid of golfers. On the fourth, I chatted with a little family of hares. I don't usually get an audience so I wanted to impress the little furry friends. When bad golfers make a great shot and nobody is looking, we stride up the fairway towards the green taking our caps off every few steps and nodding and smiling at the adoring fans who roar in our imagination. This for the Ryder Cup, I said to myself as I calculated all the options, the wind direction, humidity and temperature. I wiggled my arse, just like Woods or Mikkelson, and started the concentrated backswing. The hares and rabbits were still. This the moment that separates the men from the rabbits. An explosion of power, club to ball, the sweet-spot, the follow-through, and look up to see the ball scorching its re-entry onto the green. Only I couldn't see it. Instead I saw a lot of hares and rabbits running for cover. All except one. He was stone dead with his legs in the air. A furtive look around as I pick him up, still warm, and dump him in the bunker. And off to the car-park. A chap on his way to the first tee asks how its playing. That bunker on the fourth, I warn him. Avoid that, it's a bit of an animal in there.

Quote of the week from the BBC world service, which I listen to all day. An English Chief of Police is in South Africa, advising South African policemen on crowd control for the World Cup. 'Step in quickly when you see anti-social behaviour that might lead to a breach of the peace and a breakdown in public order.' 'Er, how would you define such behaviour, Sir?' asks a SA police cadet. The Chief of Police looks surprised at such a ridiculous question, and simply says 'When you see them acting like twats!'